Rainy Days and Rainy Souls.

It's been a while, and I even feel like I'm forcing my hand a little here. It's been raining for the past week. Winter is approaching and days are getting shorter. While there is something dreary about it, there is alternatively something very comforting about it. It almost makes you feel like you've stayed in bed all day. Under the risk of sounding cliche, it made me think, I feel much the same on the inside right now, the same as it looks outside my window. Initially the feelings are unpleasant and hard to handle. You spend your time hoping that the sun will peek through and the rainy days will be only a distant memory. You begin to feel cold and drenched. Soaked to the bone with problems you don't want to face or think about. Realizations that bring up more questions you would rather ignore. The torrents of rain that wash away that top layer of mud and show the rich, or malnourished soil beneath. Too much and your roots are exposed, drowning in flood waters or scorching in the sun. The rain has two sides. We often see it and live in the negative side of it. Problems have much the same effect on us. The rain seeps through the soil, it nourishes the plants, flowing into rivers and streams quenching the thirst of animals and men. We cannot survive without it. It enriches the soil, it grows our crops. Problems often make us better for the ware. We become more well-rounded individuals. The passing of hardships nourish our soul, shaping and forming us into stronger, and more empathetic individuals. They teach us how to get through the next day. They expose to us, and others what we truly are. Sometimes it's a flood, but droughts can be more devastating, leaving our pools shallow. Sometimes it's hard to keep your footing in a down pour; but when the sun comes through, the world is a beautiful place.

Friendship

Friendship is a complicated animal. It would be a fickle thing, coming and going as it pleases. Furry and warm, with claws and fangs. It is not a tame animal, that's for sure. I know that a lot of you would disagree with me and say that true friends are there no matter what. They are the most loyal of companions. At a younger age I probably would have agreed, but as time has gone by and i have grown older and more cynical I have seen too many events to support the opposite side of things. I think it is definitely a painful experience, but I do not think that it is a bad thing in the grand scheme of our lives.

When you reach your 20's it isn't only your life that starts to change, but the lives of all your friends. This is the time in life where the majority of people begin to get married and start families (I am not in this majority). Even if they are not doing those things, they are often focusing on their career. More often than not this is when friendships start to suffer. There are plenty of other reasons friendships end, people move, argue, unrequited feelings. Males in my life are notorious for ending friendships as soon as I decline a date. This is no form of bragging trust me. I think 90% of women have experienced similar losses of male friends. It leaves us thinking we are not good enough ourselves to be worth being friends with, our only worth to those individuals is solely physical or romantic.

Now at this point, all of you who would consider yourselves my friends are getting indignant. Don't be too offended there is a lesson to be learned from all of this. I think there are many reasons people tend to ebb and flow in and out of our lives like the ocean. I think that everyone we come in contact with can teach us something about ourselves, can provide us some good, or we can do the same for them. It is, in short, one of the ways we grow as people. We become more educated in our social selves, our moral selves, our character becomes more complete with each person we allow into our lives. That being said let me harp on something. I have never subscribed to this childish opinion that a person is only allowed to have one best friend. That one person is their bestestest and no one else is allowed to be in their lives, allowed to hang out with them or show them a good time. If you hang out with another friend it has a tendency to be received like committing adultery. If we find another person we would like to hang out with some people believe they are obligated to dump their old friends on the spot. The human heart is a lot like the stomach. The more people and love you put into it, the more it will expand and grow to hold it all. Except unlike your stomach it will not make you fat, it will simply make you a more loving, and amazing person. Now isn't that a good deal?

The second reason I believe we are all required to learn this lesson at some time is so that we come to understand where we are mortal creations fall short. People may have every intention of being loyal or being there for someone through thick and through thin, but as hard as we may try we will always fall short no matter how good our intentions may be. We do not have the ability to be the perfect person or the perfect friend. It is no longer a part of our nature. On top of that I think our world view is much to self-centred to ever be able to branch out into truly being there for someone no matter what. You will always gravitate to thinking about situations in the light of "how does this effect my life" not "how will this effect their life and what can I do to help." We can try, and some people grow better at this than others but there will always be slip ups along the way. There is only one thing in this life that will always, always remain faithful. I know what it is, what does your heart whisper?


I have the most wonderful friends and family in my life. I love you all crazy bunches. Looking back on my life, I'm so glad I am lucky enough to have each and every one of you. I love you with my whole heart.

Decisions, decisions...

It is amazing, the things you can learn from a story book. It is also pretty amazing how one thing you read can connect to so many threads in your life. Anyone that even casually knows me realizes that one of my favorite, and more admired authors is C.S. Lewis. I have been reading (slowly, but still going) his adult sci-fi trilogy "Out of the silent planet." I am currently working on the final, and longest book. There was a scene in the book that grabbed my attention, and I wasn't entirely sure as to why it interested me so much. It was something I had surely always, kind of, known. I think to some extent we are all aware because we have all experienced it. In this particular scene the main character, Mark, is with a number of his colleges in an intimate setting, discussing work that is to be done. The work Mark is about to do is morally corrupt, and Mark is quite aware of that fact. Mark explains that it is one of those moments, in the confidentiality of our peers, on a level playing field where we feel most accepted, that little evils slip into our lives so easily. The moment of consent is a blurr. Before we know it, in a store of laughter and smiles, we agree to do things that we may normally have not, or things that we even know in our hearts are wrong.

I find it amazing how easily decisions pass though our lives. Day to day hundreds of good, bad, and morally neutral decisions slide through. The bad decisions don't come with bells and whistles, the earth does not split, clouds do not blot out the sun. Good choices are not accompanied by a choir of angels, or pats on the back. For the most part, the heavens, and nature stays completely silent, as do our peers. Our lives consist of very little black and white. It is filled to the brim with grays of every hue. Just one step too far into the ocean can cause you to drowned. Just one step off the side walk can send you to the hospital. Just one yes, just one no, may completely change your world. It will be agreed to, or rejected before you even have time to really examine what you are standing before. As our societies advance and our lives become fuller and busier it is likely that our decisions will slip by faster, and more silently than before. Not to say there are not decisions that present themselves in our lives that we may spend days mulling over, but there are more decisions that slip by us.

The thought that struck me is, I feel this uncertainty of life on a daily basis. Things you believe should be concrete and clear often present themselves in a fashion that is muddy, middle-of-the-road. What person does not know who they are? I don't. I have changed so much over the last five or ten years of my life I feel as though I am a totally different being than I was at one point in time. How can you be unclear on who you are as a person. I am never clear on where my life is going or what I am supposed to do with it. Feelings are more often than not, very confusing. Are you angry or are you sad? Are you trepidacious or happy? In many situations we are multiple things. Will the haze be lifted from our understanding? I believe in an absolute truth, a absolute black and white line, because you cannot make grey without black or white. Sometime I simply think we are a bit colorblind.

For these thoughts I can only thank the deep understanding C.S. Lewis had of the human condition, and the ability he has to portray it. He often tells of things in ways that you know that thought has been stalking you all your life, but until you read it in his words, it never reached out and grabbed hold of you.

Distractions

So who is excited? I just learned how to post pictures to my blog via my Cellphone. That means my posts are going to come with pictures! Eventually anyway. I just couldn't think of an int resting picture that even half way related to my topic for today. I'd even settle for loosely connected.

It has been brought to my attention that I am, apparently, a distraction to all work. Not to say that I do not work, because I do. Or I at least try to between people approaching my desk and talking to me about anything and everything that could have happened to them. I was actually informed recently that before I began my job, that no one talked to anyone very often at all. To be a little more clear, I believe it is more that everyone took their job more seriously before I started working in the office. Everyone knew their titles and positions, and everyone focused only on their high class work etiquette. Now before you all get the wrong idea and start thinking I am some sort of over-sized shoe waring clown let me give you my take on the situation.

For those of you who know me, I am fairly sure that the majority of you would all agree upon one thing about me. I am a nerd. The other thing I think most of you would also admit to, and perhaps have been embarrassed about (by me) is: I am a nerd and I have no qualms owning up to it. I am known to put it on display in the front window of my life-store on the corner of the busiest intersection. The thing about being yourself, and not being ashamed of your character traits, even if they aren't the most popular ones, is that you have the ability to make others feel secure in being who they are. If you can accept yourself for who you are (let's face it, sometimes it is harder to accept yourself for being who you are than it is to accept and allow someone else to be the goofy one) you will put a lot of people around you at ease.

There is always a time and place for professionalism, and there is always a time to work. There is a time to be serious, and all of these things I realize. In this society, in order to get by, we have moved work to the top of our list of importance. It is how/where we spend 85-90% of our day. I believe that is not a good thing. Everything should be practiced in moderation. Work is not an exception to this rule. Work is a necessity to a happy life, not only does it provide for us the money we need, but it has a hand in developing us mentally and socially as people. It keeps us from being lazy or bored, and hopefully keeps our minds sharp. Work has, however, come to be our lives, living to work instead of working to live. I believe this is all out of order. Working to support your family is a noble cause. My father dedicated 35 years of his life to one company, He worked from the time he got up to the time he went to bed. I never knew much about him because I never saw him. He was our provider and we have the house and clothes we have today only because of his hard work. I can tell you honestly, I would trade most of what I own to have a history with my father. To know him like I know my mom, to have a parent child relationship that we lack. We are often just two strangers living in the same house. I show him the respect that is due but it has never gone farther than that. I think that is a high price to pay for money. Work needs to be practiced in moderation. I've gotten semi-off topic.

All I mean to say is that you should love who you are at the core of it all. It doesn't matter if it is not a thing that is socially "cool" it is who you are, and it takes all types. When you can embrace and love who you are no matter what that may be, not only you, but the people around you will feel better about themselves. People will learn to open up and not be ashamed or shy to be excited about the things they like. People will find excuse to laugh and play jokes for a brief moment in the day. They will forget their suits and ties and return to the heart of who they are and what makes them feel happy. It's good to be you, it's good to be silly, go ahead, do it.

At least the view....

At least the view from my cage is nice. I doubt you would hear any animal in the zoo say that (perhaps partly because they do not talk. But you get my drift) That's the only thing I can think while I look out the sealed up window beside my desk, that and, I really wish it opened. The sun is out and the trees are beautiful, I'm sure its a miserably humid southern summer day, but I wish I was on the boat all the same.

I have found recently that stroking my creative intellect is like opening a can of worms, the more I think, write, and read, the more my creative thoughts bubble over. I use writing as an outlet for it, but the more I write, the more I have to say. So I've been toying with the idea of taking art lessons to try and relieve some of this creative tension. If that also spurrs any more creative thoughts and tendency's I think I may very well burst. Even when I was very small I always enjoyed doing anything creative, making Christmas tree ornaments or new coin jars, it wasn't always writing, but I had to flex my creative muscles to feel happy. I have interests in pretty much all the known arts, I did lots of stage acting in my teenage years, I've always drawn moderately well, while I cannot sing I am able to play musical instruments with some success if I practice. On the other side of the coin, watching me play sports or do a math problem is about as awkward as a camel climbing a mountain of ice.

I can also remember a lot of stories my mother always told me before bedtime. I'm a lot like her in my opinion, she is also a writer but in terms of what we write, and how we write, we could not be on farther ends of the spectrum. She has written some of the best bedtime stories I can think of to date. She is an incredibly gifted story teller, and that is not my strong suit. I am highly technical and am more of an essay/persuasive writer, even though I have written my share of stories they really pale in comparison to hers. Some I can still recall almost word for word. Her writing is very uplifting. We are two different spirits yet very much the same. My father is very technical, a perfectionist, and somewhat cynical. I think some of my differences from her come from his hand in my genetics and upbringing.

That's just a little insight on who I am, as my mind wanders on this beautiful summer day.

Some[where]?

Somewhere in this grey mist of reoccurring day after day.
An endless string tied end to end,
There is no point, no reference, no item
no lamp, no guidepost to awaken you to a path.
Sleepy meandering, lazy rivers slowly flowing, ever flowing.
Every dizzying day into every dizzying night
Each feeling numbed and dulled into an eternal plight.
Clumsy hands ever searching ever feeling
Squinting eyes always looking, peering, gazing.
Lost in the great expance of eternity
Groping, searching, finding only the smoothest glass.
Every step revealing, in the haze of the fog
A new turn, a new way, a new path, a new day.
Lost after a lifetime of days, every path and every way
Takes us somewhere deeper, but only deeper with no change
Left or right, up or down, will it matter
In this great expance of forever?

This one's for you.

Vacation was awesome. Not only was it a beautiful place but, I got to spend a whole week with my baby. I don't think that can be topped. Except for when he comes down here again and I don't have to tell him goodbye and leave him at an airport. The idea of that day becoming a reality seems like a dream. You understand, I'm sure, when you look forward to an event so much that you worry it wont come to pass, you can't do anything but dread all the 'what ifs' you brain feeds you every time you think of those future plans. I don't know how it is for other people, but I fear for things when I'm extremely exited about them. Always afraid something will come up that will spoil my plans. All I can say for this however, I know that I will do everything in my power to make things go smoothly, and pray continually. I know that the God that created this world, can take care of my life. I will put my faith in that.

I've had the rain on my mind a lot lately. I've always been fascinated with the meaning of rain to people through history. Most of our ancestors saw the rain as a reason to celebrate, a blessing to us all. I know most of us now and children hate the rain, they think of it as something that just gets in the way of their plans. Its raining now, as I think about these things. I personally love the rain, we've been in a bit of a drought here in NC, and I'm very happy to see it raining again. There have been lots of crop problems across the US due to the lack of rain, at a very critical time for the farmers. So much that we don't think of depends on rain. Its not just our fruits and veggies, our meat depends on it as well. Without the rain the farmers can't grow the feed to feet the cattle that give us milk and meat. I know a lot of local farmers after working at the farmers market in our city. I know of one farmer I had grown to be friends with, that grows only peaches. He lost his whole harvest this year due to the late frost. He now has no lively hood and is searching for small jobs around town to get him and his family through the year until they can try again next year. What a fickle lively hood, and we don't think anything about them. Support your local farmers, they mean a lot more to your everyday life than you think, and you mean a lot to their families. Try a farmers market if you have one in your town, something everyone should experience, the best produce you will ever have you will purchase there, I promise.

I guess I've had a little more on my mind than I thought, now that I've started. I've been wanting to write a poem, but just cant seem to get it out. I'm starting to think I was simply backed up with thoughts. Mostly, Wesley.. I can't help it, hopelessly in love? yea I think so. I've never thought I wanted to get married, or that I would find someone I would be so in love with. I suppose love even happens to us dorks. I couldn't be happier.

Vacation time?

Its almost vacation time. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. Just one more week and it will all start comming back together. This week too at least I get a little time to myself seeing as both my parents are out of town for once in their lives. If you knew my family you would know how rare an occassion that is. I've wonderd what it would be like to have a week at home to myself with no work or no one else around. I'm pretty sure I'd just drownd myself in sleep and video games. Sounds like an awsome time to me tho, I know what your thinking, I'm such an amazing dork, but yes, thats true and I'm completely proud of it. I am the beginning legacy of the cyber generations. I'm afraid that in the terms of being a hard core gamer, I even beat my boyfriend out on that front. Heavy metal, video games, and camoflauge. I must have been a very confused child. Between my extra glossy lip gloss, make up sparkles and high heels and my love of gmaes, peircings and everything hard core, I often confuse myself. Oh, I know its a little off topic, but one of my employees was updating me the other day on one of our frequenting looneytunes. He has since switched religions and now believes there is a god asleep under the ocean who will soon be awakend and eat all of us whom are non believers. Things like this, make me feel a little less strange and little more normal, alright.... a lot more normal. Don't you wish you had my job? Well for a price it could be yours and you could experiance this day to day enlightenment about distant worlds and newly discoverd dietys which are apparently, very hungry. As my mother and I were discussing this theological revelation at home, my father, as sinsitive a man as he is, walks up and comments "those are exactly the kind of people who flip out and one day come into the shop with a gun and kill you all if you don't follow his god." I'd just like to take the time to say, thanks Dad, you always know exactly what [not] to say.

Back on to some things a little more sensible and a little less frightning. I've been looking for a good fps game, but theres been a real lack in productions of those recently, that I know of. If you have any suggestions about a good online FPS for this little gamer girl let me know, I'm in need of its fragtastic goodness. I have a dream of one day being married and living in a decent house, with at least one extra room in which I can set up my dream. A LAN party room. Thats right, no you can't have my number or address you will just have to worship from afar unless you prove yourself good enough to LAN with us. Two godly computers in the center of the room, three monitors atleast, my beast Odin on one side, my sexy gaming lovers computer on the other, tables and plug ins all aorund the room, a T1 and wireless networking. A frige for those ice cold refreshments needed after many hours of exhausting gaming goodness. Ahhhhhh I sleep to dream......

Far away places...

Another day, another cup of coffee....

Something, Something to break up the mundane day of work. Anything, I search.
It's always interesting to talk to those people who have come here from out of town. A man came in today from a good thousand miles away, just to meet with someone on business, and they decided, the local place to meet in this little town would be here, at our shop. I try to make a good impression of the place and the people in mount holly, and hope not too many of the strange ones wander in. So maybe when he goes back home it will be "I remember that nice little shop in NC.." instead of "wow, that crazy guy...", and I can always wish for "This coffee is so amazing I'd pay anything to have it shipped to me once a month!" Here's to wishful thinking, cheers.

I have some friends that have had the opportunity to take jobs in new far away places, places I'd love to go and start over, and I would be lying if I didn't say I was a little jealous. I guess I will just comfort myself with thinking about my up and coming vacation with the love of my life. I haven't gotten to spend that much time without having to work every day, ever. So it is defiantly something I look forward to. The more you look forward to things tho, it seems, the slower the come about. Another thing that seems to be a heavy influence for the changes in my life, is that after working so closely with my mom and seeing her family, and hearing the older generation that comes in here, I realize, after 40, it really seems to be all down hill. Under no exaggeration, there isn't a day that goes by that someone isn't sick, in the hospital, or dead. When your exposed to those types of things and made to live around that worry and concern your perspective on things tends to change drastically. When you see things through that light, you can also assume why people seem to act the way they do. Some people deal with life in very different ways, I suppose our reaction to stress and worry is very different and often never rational.

I know this is a little off topic, and my train of thought escapes most people, but all I can say for that is, I write between customers so, sometimes, more than other times, theres long pauses with plenty of time to think between paragraphs. Another subject that has been haunting me for the past few months is the truth of religion. I grew up very much a southern baptist, my parents always insisted on us attending church regularly when we were children. When we got old enough, of course we had the option of going or not, but it was still met with seething looks if we didn't attend. In the course of my church going experience I have been to some wonderful Churches and met some amazing, 100% real people in love with God (Pastor Max!!! FTW!!). One draw back that bothers me seems to be the fact that, as much as we try to deny it, after our separation from the catholic Church, we seem to carry with us many 'traditional' teachings that I cannot track down in the Bible itself. I would like to think that everything we hear on a Sunday is somehow based only on the truth of what was written, but we have picked up certain teachings through the years that are what we as a community would like placed in practice as 'moral actions' for one reason or another. The more I study and read on my own the more little things I discover like this. The truth may not be exactly what I grew up on. Harmless things? Sure, but for me the truth is something worth knowing no matter what it may be.

I'm ok, Your [not] ok.

I thought that one possible subject for this blog would be my job. After all, being a barista in a small town seems to be comprable being a bartender. The fact that your behind a counter serving drinks, overwhelms people with the urge to tell you strange facts about themselves. There are plenty of stories to be had from the people in this town. Most are very rural stories full of local color.

An Interesting fact about this town is that the longer I work here the more people I meet that most people would term 'crazy.' I'm not really sure what it is about this town or maybe just this shop that attracts them, but I have regulars that tell me about everything from, how they plan to become immortal to how they built a bike (you know, the kind to pedal) that can fly. So please believe me when I say I'm not going out on a limb to say these regulars are a little off.

We also have the collection of strange but sane customers. Well not so much customers... well alright not customers at all. People ranging from crack addicts to just plain weird. They either just come in here to use and abuse our Internet access or to do odd jobs for a little cash to get that crack rock. Oddly enough all these people have one thing in common. 98% of the time I cant understand a single word they say. They may as well be speaking Russian, there's one imparticular that I play charades with, and another that we all have taken up the strategy of 'smile and nod' for. I suppose it is safe to assume that the 'downtown' area of small towns is no longer a quaint and quiet place to run a business. Well, quiet as far as business goes, yes I'll subscribe to that, however, It's quite dramatic. Everyone knows what everyone else is doing or the latest gossip about Mr. Hinkleberry up the street and his new dog. This being the town that it is, I would not be in the least bit surprised if Mr. Hinkleberry's dog talked, or was an immortal guru....that flys....

The only regularly sane customers that I get are, oddly enough, the after school kids, usually around 12-13 years of age. I guess they just have not been exposed to the water here long enough to actually loose all touch with their reasoning powers. That being said, I urge you children, use protection when dealing with people in this town, your mental wellness is at steak.