It's a quiet day in Mount Holly, as I look out the window, able to count the passing cars on one hand, I ask myself, when was the last time it wasn't quiet in Mount Holly? Small town charm versus the big city rush, it's hard for me to say which I prefer. If pushed I think I would have to confess, neither. I will admit that judgement is a little unfair of me given I have never lived in a big city. Charlotte is a very large city, and only a 20 min drive from my house right into the heart of down town. Every time I visit I come back with frayed nerves from the near misses with the other cars in the painfully tiny lanes, and the attempt to find a place to park in the parking decks. If you weren't claustrophobic before, the parking decks will defiantly bring it out in you. I've had a very difficult time getting my thoughts sorted lately, my mind seems a little more like a big city than a quiet town. Crowded with thoughts of all different sorts, bumping, arguing, spinning round the traffic circle at a dangerously rapid speed. When you feel like you finally have the big picture in your scope and figured out you realize that big picture is made up of a huge amount of tiny details, and sorting out the details is like trying to find that one parking deck that allows you to park for an event that does not pertain to their building for less than the cost of a 3 course meal at the local cafe. There are too many choices, too many of them lead to a dead end, too many of them cost too much, and the sheer number of them leaves one feeling claustrophobic in their own self.
One of my close friends, whom I appreciate very much, reads my blog on a daily basis commented to me after reading my last entry "force the change." I didn't want to accept this answer at first. Then the next day as I sat at work, another friend who is often in the business of giving me advice (and I respect and admire his opinion) commented "you are afraid of success." Again I just want to deny this off of first instinct, but quietly I'll admit, it's all very true. Success means the unknown; it's a new road in a new town a journey into a new life with new people and new responsibilities. Success also means that there is a potential for greater failure, the more successful you become the father there is to fall. The more I reflect on my life the more I see that this fear is something I've always battled. Always afraid to be too happy in my life because the more you let that joy pervade in your soul the harder it is when something happens to strip that away from you. How emo does that sound? I'm sure that more than a hand full of you out there have felt that way though and perhaps you don't want to admit to it, but you understand how I feel. If anyone has the magic, non-alcoholic, fix for this please be sure to let me know, and I'll pass on the good word.
In attempts to "force the change" I've been browsing different online sites for local writing or editorial jobs and turning up empty handed. Boy do I mean empty, did you just see that tumble weed? Monster.com, Yahoo.com, oh magic eight ball of job sites, show me the job of my future!!!! Up pops the little blue triangle of fate 'maybe later' it reads with a vengeful, hollow ring in my soul. So I turn to the all mighty Google. Google knows all, perhaps it will hold the key to my fate in its search box. There are a lot of 'free lance' writing jobs out there for online magazines, but as I look through the pages I find myself being more and more skeptical of the sites, 'too good to be true' deals, how many are these are scams and are any of them real? I don't think I could work for a news paper because I don't believe I could censor my views well enough for that, nor would I want to, so I thought maybe the free spirit of the Internet is the way to go. Well lets not forget this free spirit has a wonderful way of scamming a lot of people out of their time and money. Perhaps I just need to be a little more trusting, Oh! for the love of Pete. Where do I turn?
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