The view from here.

As I sit here trying desperately to convince myself that I am lucky to have a job in this economy, I cannot help but feel my hopes and ambitions collecting like a mud puddle at my feet. Do I duct tape a drawing of complacency to my face and hope it sticks? Or do I submit to my flee instinct and find the quickest way out? There is certainly an argument for both sides, one logical, and one hopeful. One full of mediocrity, and one full of possibilities. While possibilities sounds like a positive thing, the fact that it can contain both great failure or great success weighs on my decisions heavily. As far as history tells us, no great thing was ever achieved without sacrifice, or blind leaps of faith. You have to jump into the valley before you can arrive at the top of a mountain. Problem with that being, it is very difficult to see the full glory of the mountain from the valley, and the ascent is often defeating.

If you're feeling like you have read this before, believe me I know, this rut is well worn, but that is why it's called a rut, it's something you cannot get out of. None of the escape advice I've gotten has helped, well let me re-phrase that. I've gotten very little escape advice, I've mostly received advice to make the rut a nice home. Just stay in the rut, your lucky to have the rut, you have to take a crappy rut in order to get a nicer rut in the future. Hmm... this advice does not sound as convincing when you replace job with rut. One of my problems is that my current rut has no future, it is a very narrow rut with no room to grow, and is not even on the same planet, or in a close constellation as my desired rut.

The part about all this that is really getting to me is that instead of it impacting me every once in a while when I think about it, it has become a daily struggle. Every time I hear that alarm clock it is a disappointment and a dread that creeps over me. It hangs on me all day like waring clothes that have been soaked through by a frigid stream. Every day attacks me with "the same old same old," it bombards me with a stodgy life, my shoes mired down in a thick pasty concoction of sickening mediocrity that reeks of stagnant water. This is a clever strategy by the enemy, it creeps into your life under a promising guise of things to come. It coerces you into settling into an 'acceptable routine.' It pumps a bile filled sedative into your spirit that tires you, and removes your will to struggle. It convinces you that average is the new successful. Before you even realize it you've been stolen away to a road you didn't want to go down, a path that is not on your map. Years of your life have slipped by and you can't remember where they have gone, and you have no beautiful jewels to show for them. You've been robbed of your time, you've been stripped of your hopes, and you don't know where to go from this road. Choices don't come with sirens or bells, they don't come with neon lights or check marks, they float to us in brown paper packages, every one the same. The only defense we have is to hone our hearts and our faith to guide us in the right direction.

Before you consign yourself over to what you feel is 'ok for now' realize 'now' can turn into a life time. Don't close your eyes, don't let the years pass. Don't listen to other people who have their own battles to fight. Listen to your heart, and trust in your faith, do not be afraid, and you will eventually be looking at your life from the top of a mountain.