Morale

I have had a lot of random thoughts lately when it comes to what to write. Some ideas are seemingly good or at least interesting while others seem to be a flight of exhausted fancy. I can't say that any of them good, or bad have developed into a full grown idea unfortunately. That seems to be a reoccurring theme in the short story of my life, ideas that never come to fruition. I would write something about that very problem however that borders on being interpreted as a nihilistic modern piece and I refuse to put something like that under my name. One bit of new is I recently acquired a Flip and have been toying with the idea of vloging as opposed to blogging. If any of you have any suggestions on subject matter of my vlogs goes please feel free to let me know.

It has come to my attention, although I've had my own suspicions lately, that the particular individual I work under has been toying with the idea of less-work or retirement. Most of you would probably be ready to offer me congratulations since it is also the case that I am the person who would be filling the chair meaning slightly more pay and hours. I would, however, be forced to cut you off before you began. I know that many of you, being my rational business minded colleges would have no qualms with telling me how crazy I would be for not accepting the position. It's hard to explain in any other way than a feeling of being trapped and panic. I have no intention in my life of ever becoming a professional Secretary. You may say to me well you don't have to do the job for the rest of your life, its only temporary. I know myself, if i settle into a job like that (even if i hate it) it only becomes harder and harder to leave and move onto the things I really want to do with my life. The only way I can explain it is that it sucks me dry mentally, motivationally. I become so tired that I loose the will to change, "maybe tomorrow." I loose most of my hopes, "I would never make it in the writing industry anyway so I better just content myself with mediocre." Perhaps my gut instinct of automatic refusal is simply a self preservation technique to stop myself into falling into that nasty cycle that I am all too familiar with.

I know that probably about 70% of Americans (and probably people all over the world) would tell you that writer is a hobby not a career choice (thanks dad...). I disagree, I just think it is difficult to break into and the probability of earning millions is slim to none unless you hit the correct audience. Assuming I never successfully break into the literary world, I would still strongly prefer to find a job that doesn't make me want to veer off the bridge on my way in to work. Don't get me wrong I am whole heartedly and earnestly grateful right now to have a job. I feel amazingly blessed with all things considered, but simply because the economy is in the pits doesn't mean I necessarily must give up on my dreams for my life. I have heard from people visiting from over seas that the thing that surprised them about America at present was how low the morality of it's people was. That is very contrary to what history is used to, however, in my current train of thought I wonder if this very idea of being stuck and having to give up on hopes due to the state of things does not, to some extent contribute to the current lack of morale. Back to the subject at hand, even if I never become a professional writer of any sort, I wish to find a job that at least interests me in some way shape or form where every day doesn't seem like 5 days combined, or feel like hiding under my desk every time I see someone walk through the office. I realize you work for money, but I don't buy into this masochistic belief that you must hate your work. I also don't think that it's merely happenstance that some people love what they do and therefore are incredibly successful and/or happy. Call me crazy for wanting that in my life, but I do. More than you will ever know. I long for it ever morning when I open my eyes and realize where I will be for the next 8 hours for the next 5 days. The real crux of the problem is, however, that I do not yet know exactly where to look for the sort of job that would make me happy, and if not happy at least less emo.